It is crucial, for becoming a better and successful person, to focus on doing the right things for you, not on getting others doing badly.
There is no need to step on anybody’s head to escalate and get what you want. Life is not a piñata party! You should and you can find your own path without cutting bridges for others around you. The gratification on that is bigger as it is the peace of mind of not to be there by favour, but due to your merits. Also is relaxing to enjoy your well earned success without having to constantly watch your back, waiting for the person you did harm to come back for revenge.
But what if are these others who have issues with us? Will we be levelling with that hating, engaging in a nonsense fight or just grow stronger by overcoming them? It’s been said that “when you are good, you don’t have enemies, people might hate you, but you are too smart to hate them back”.
Giving up the power to control your emotions, in the hands of your ”so called enemies” is a big nonsense.
Recently found some articles discussing Deep Patel’s book A Paperboy’s Fable: The 11 Principles of Success talking about it.
Sociology experts agree with a life fact: nobody that spend his energy on making wrong things to others will succeed, his actions will deviate him of his route, and this will just increase his hate and resentment. It’s like feeding a monster, the monster of our human lowest and dirtiest passions; and it is exhausting.
Even if you dislike a person, enrolling in a competition for making any bad to him is what losers do. Successful people understand that they should deal with any kind of individuals because going against them will twist the way to their purpose, and ignoring them might lead to limit them self one way or another (we don’t know who we might work with or share a path with). Victorious ones study and learn how to make the best thing for them while dealing with someone they don’t like or who doesn’t love them.
Learning how to look from every angle; use that in your favour to be the biggest person and to grow with it.
We should acknowledge that as human beings with affinities, likes and dislikes, there will always be that individual that we will not feel connected to, or we will totally disapprove. The same might feel your hater for you. This is not because neither you or the other one is a bad , or maybe one of you is it, or both; it’s just perception, perspective, choice, personal feelings…
You won’t be able to change your enemies behaviour as it’s up to them to adjust that. You are not there to correct him, life will. Not thinking about the fact that we are as far from perfection as our opponent, and sometimes we dislike a person because of the old social mirror issue making us to see in them what we fear in ourselves. Paraphrasing one of the authors as an example : “A liar reminds many people of their own lies. Also when someone discriminates others and commit hate crimes, we don’t get upset just because they did something wrong but because their behaviour trigger self-reflection: he is like that and looking from outside it is outrageous but, how tolerant I am, how judgemental my own behaviour can be regarding others look, life or decisions?”
Putting on others shoes may also lead you to see that often when 2 persons disagree is due to prejudge and misunderstandings. The best thing could be growing our acceptance of those who think differently, keeping calm and learning to actually listen. Your enemies mistakes can teach you; by hearing to those you hate, you can become more open-minded too.
In the matter of behaviour you have to look after yourself or care after what you do, not for the other’s acts.
Getting angry and reacting is easy, it requires bravery and self control to treat them with respect and to pause and reflect. “Courage is what takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” — Winston Churchill
Treating everybody with same level of respect, being polite and civilised with everybody talks good about you, not about the person you treat. What others could do is their business. Who has to be a better human is you. Besides, how you treat your enemies will be mirrored back to you.
If you are having difficulties with someone and you conclude that there is no mistake or misunderstanding and you really do fundamentally disagree with him, then try on see it from his perspective. Attempt not to overreact, because they may blow up in return, meaning things escalate even into a physical level. Make an effort to rise above it all by focusing on facts, and try to ignore how the other person is acting, no matter how ridiculous or irrational. Concentrate on the issue, not the person. Be objective, despite of how strong you need to become for controlling your anger.
What you can manage is your temper as even if the person you’re having difficulty with is bugging you on purpose, getting angry about it will probably just make you look and act just as wrong and stupid as he is.
Also you can establish your boundaries and decide when and in what circumstances and terms you interact with others. They don’t need to be in our personal close circle. If you feel yourself getting worked up, take a time-out and get some breathing space.
Taking the challenge
It’s been said that in your field, you suppose to be the shark, not the fish; but also sharks are focused on their prey, not on what the other by its side is doing. Sharks instincts advice them that in the minute of getting in a fight, the prey will go; or even worse is the risk of being distracted, and a Killer whale might come and get rid of their existence.
Yes, the so called enemies take you out of your comfort zone. They will test your ideas, beliefs, and faith( main reason why many people avoid those who think differently) but they will also keep you awake , alert and focused, testing your strength, your willingness, your resilience, your commitment to achieving your goals; so of course successful ones instead of ignoring their attacks learn to use them as a way to keep their eyes on the prize.
Because this is precisely what we need. When being challenged by others, our thoughts take new meaning. ”Don’t hide behind your beliefs. Be open to explore different ideas even if they just help validate yours”.
In case you have to face a confrontation, take the advantage position by being smart and witty instead of aggressive, keep calm.
If you’re finding their comments are really getting to you, ask yourself why that is? Are you self-conscious about something, or are you anxious about something there? If so, focus on that, instead of in what others are saying about you.
If you see someone is constantly remarking your flaws, trying to make you look like if you are always wrong, don’t bite. The worst thing you can do is be defensive. Patel says this will only give them more power. Instead, turn the spotlight on them and start asking them probing questions, such as what in particular their problem is with what you’re doing or please explain where do you consider that my failure is at. But certainly you have to know the ground you are stepping, be always prepare to replay defending your point of view with facts that may silence them. Be sufficient!
Sometimes it might just be easier to let things go.
Don’t give anybody the power to control your happiness, your mood, the way you walk your path. Not everything is worth your time and attention. You have to ask yourself whether you really want to engage with the person, or your effort might be better spent just getting on with your work, or whatever else you’re doing. Walking away is not always a sign of weakness and your time has a worth, do not waste it!
Watch, learn, improve…
Those who do anything to climb, those who trample on anyone, your “not fans”, remind you of who you are and help you be aware that you don’t want to be like them.
But even the most unworthy one have something to teach you so be smarter in the confrontation; learn how to separate the good idea from the bad person. Just grow!
You control your life, not them. you know that ”your silence is not ignorance, your calmness is not acceptance and your kindness and politeness is not weakness”. Don’t give them any value, do not let them affect you. Interact with them only in the context that is necessary for you to keep going. Just take what you can learn; increase your worth, your value, and move forward leaving them behind.