That couple’s kids were so stressed out, and they also.
The situation at school was going out of control: frequent fights, disrespect for the authority, bad scores, behavioral disorders, so they came to the multidisciplinary team of Psychological support I was working for. In resume wife wanted to divorce due to they were not a couple anymore; saying not physically nor emotionally.
But husband was not wanting the separation, because he said that is normal to live together as a family even if they were no husband and wife, as he said, his parents lived like that all their life.
Guess what? That’s a total NO!
Couples are not sister and brother, or cousins. Kids should not grow up watching that, as if it is a normal thing; because it will mess up their emotional behaviour for any future relationship.
Think for a minute. If you can not stand having that person by your side, you will do anything to stay away; more job hours, sustaining a double life disrespecting the other and yourself in front of the public eye and involving a third person that might get damaged too, spending time with friends more than at home; so in the end the kids are gonna feel your absence as if you are not living there anyway.
Anyhow, the role of husband and wife can never be presented to kids like a brotherhood. If so, they grow up not knowing what’s right or wrong regarding marital issues, not knowing they deserve to love and to be loved so they can live a relationship plenty enjoying all the physical approaching and the caring part. If it is not like that, they will think that marriage is just obligations and no fun or good retribution at all!
That’s what happen with many people nowadays. You see it on Internet in all the memes and jokes. Persons don’t consider that marriage can be enjoyable due to a bad role play example in their own birth home. They associate it with that word I said before: OBLIGATIONS, and sacrifice and loss of freedom only … and screw the happiness and a plenty life!
Kids got way better when that couple of the story did separate, after the normal denial-acceptance period of course, because they saw them enjoying life happily and they saw no change in the love for them, and both were there for them together in their position of parents at every important moments. They were happy kids even if they had to spend alternate weekends in different houses.
Specialists understand. Working with them I have seen hundreds of people broken, incapable of carry on a healthy life partnership, because they grew up with a misconception of what a couple is by observation. Parents may think that kids can’t notice things or that they don’t know anything. Will tell you what. Children are way more perceptive than adults!
It is a fact that when parents are apart but don’t stop their duties and if both of them don’t let the resentment for each other to influence the relationship with kids, then all is better than rising your descendants among differences and fights. The question is learning to separate things, the spouses role and the parents role is not the same, and if the first link is broken you both must work to strengthen the second one to minimize the damage in your children’s mental health and emotional intelligence.
Specialists also know that there is always and entire cultural and religious background powerfully influencing in this aspect. Also agree that to rescue the concept of family as the main cell of any society is a must nowadays. That’s why they are clear in one thing: when a couple comes for a specialized help the centre of discussion and objective must be giving them the tools and to help them finding a solution other than separation; providing a non judgmental environment where they can: to sit calmly and think and discuss, to analyze if the differences are truly irreconcilable or you are just blinded by the pain or anger, talking to each other, being open, understanding each one reasons…
So seek for the help of that third person specialized in the matter if necessary, if you see you are stuck and can not move forward or into a change in your relationship and is affecting your sons and daughters. But do not let the time pass so you notice too late that you are doing more wrong than good, by sticking to a broken union just to follow the social standards in the name of “the best for my kid” old campaign.
If you are really unhappy and not just saying, your kids will sence that. Any subtle thing happening between your wife and you, they will perceive it; much more a definitive broke up, even if living together. That will affect the way in what you approach to them or how you enjoy the relationship with them, sometimes imperceptibly for you, but it certainly will; if you are not contented, if there’s something cutting your joy, what happiness can you offer them?
I agree with experts, am not encouraging the divorce. First thing is to take the marriage step wisely so you can avoid many problems. Second, marriage should always intend to last and resist the past of time, the differences of characters, the habits, the disagreements… That is a signal of growing. But main thing must be love and mutual respect, also the physical desire and the will to be with that person and caring one another, not just giving but receiving also. It is to alternate moments of winning with others of giving up on something, from both members, so you can end up being both winners, and endure.
Do the maximum and beyond to keep your marriage, but if it is a noticeable insurmountable situation, then not the economy, not the habit, not stability and specially not the kids are a valid reason to stay because that might be more destroying them than saving them; it will be more like breaking them instead. If the case comes, you can separate or divorce from your bad marital union, never from your Children, and everything will end up in a fine happily ever after, not under pain and sacrifice, but living a real plenty life all human beings deserve.